GUCCI MANE, RAPPER, EX-CON, METAPHYSICIST, IN THREE SONGS

Le Review:

"How much 'unh can one girl take," asks Mr. Mane in "Booty Shorts," at once posing a question and putting forth a thesis for s/he with a discerning ear. "How many cakes can one man bake," he continues, answering, "Playa on the real man I don't know/I just love it when they fresh and they ass cheeks show." Subtext: This world is a menagerie and human sexuality, our only truth. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that pretty much makes him the black Foucault.

I'm not the only tastemaker who appreciates GM. David Drake of Pitchfork agrees in his zealous review of "Overboard," maintaining that Gucci's magical powers extend beyond his skills as a poet & craftsman. His "hook-crafting skills are unfuckwitable," Drake offers, "they can get densely lyrical yet instantly memorable." Ah, those dense memories. After consulting with Urban Dictionary, I agree. Gucci wins for 'unfwitable,' along with Lil' Kim and the one intense dude in middle management who interviewed me today. I get it, you're all really into your jobs or Brooks Brothers or being freaky women perverts.

"The imagery is also uniquely vivid," Drake continues, which rings true for other songs. In "745," GM all but literally illustrates certain objects of his affection: "yellow diamonds same color as mustard/blue diamonds same color tha tarheels/red diamonds like a sexual game is." Like any good critic, I'd never superimpose my poetic interpretation onto you, the reader. So I'll leave you with this: I dare you to parse that last simile. Wink.

Le Rating: 5 Eiffel Towers! Le Perfection!

TAO LIN'S NOVELLA FOR ACTUAL ADULT BABIES

Le Review:

Tao Lin publishes his own books so that You have a voice. It's ironic, see, because he is capturing all of the digital shit You're going through in the medium of YesterdaY. Tao Lin makes art in Paint.

Tao Lin is 26 and lives in New York where he can be close to Gawker even though Gawker is on The Internet. ActuallY, internet is a word that doesn't require a definite article or capitalization anYmore. That is because The Internet of the nineties, when Your school librarY got ProdigY, is no more. TheY keep that internet on the WaY Back Machine. The internet is now and it is real, sort of. Like all the shit You are going through and Tao Lin is writing about. Tao Lin ends sentences with prepositions.

Tao Lin wrote a new book. You'll probablY relate to it. You're in Your mid-twenties, and You're still crafting Your internet personae. Tao Lin understands this. Tao Lin understands the malaise and the angst and the twitter-fueled resurgence of the not-since-high-school, crippling Existentialism You're suffering from at Your daY job desk. Tao Lin doesn’t have a daY job.

Tao Lin is as lazY as You are. He is his own boss which makes it hard for him to slack off while he’s not looking. But he makes up for it with sloppY work.


Le Review in 140 Characters:

Tao Lin's latest, Shoplifting From American Apparel, is the unisex deepV our entire generation can wear. Put it on. You will look hot in it.


Le Rating: 1 Y-ffel Tower

MONSIEUR BROWN’S FAIRY TALE FOR ADULT BABIES

Le Review:

In Dan Brown’s latest, The Lost Cymbal, I learned a lot. I’m so glad I found it for 20% off at CVS, because obv there is a RECESSION and even though my library ordered like a trillion copies, they were all pre-checked out. The book has these twists and turns that are unpredictive and nobody knows where the text even is – also sometimes I had my cat, Mr. Pillows, flip pages for me so skipping a couple here and there added to the mystery. It also made me finish the book way faster than anyone in my book club. (So go to h-e-doublehockeystix, Sarah Parker!)

Anyway, so there were three really great characters in this book: The Professor, Higgins the Pug, and Mistress Charlene. Higgins is a famous drummer in a band in the 18th century, I think. The whole thing is historical in a conspiracy way. Such as for example, did history happen? So Higgins flips his shit at this person who heckles him during a parade, and he goes to facially attack the guy. When he comes back he cannot find his drum part. Thus begins the PLOT. Higgins goes to a spooky monastery where he finds The Professor, a Canadian Jewish folk singer who used to do a lot of chicks and meth (though they don't say "meth") but then decided to give it up for life as a monk/private investigator. Things get kinda hazy at the monastery in a place called Tibet, because there’s a lot of fog up there. As they walk around the mountain, The Professor chants a lot and Higgins barks and then comes Mistress Charlene, a current what modern day people would call prostitute. It’s weird because Mistress Charlene doesn’t give it up right away but she is clearly trying to seduct all the other characters and I always knew she was in on the stealing or because what kind of hooker plays hard to get? Anyway that’s only like 30 pages into the book. But they all fall down in this avalanche and land in a cave. In the cave they find this secret code scraped into the cave walls. Then the mystery is more about Jesus than drum parts, and it’s good because Sarah Parker is not as good of a Christian as me and this book will prove that. That's my fave part of the book except for the sentences!

So to “cut a long story short” (my prof says I can’t write “in conclusion,” lol) I am really super glad Dan Brown completed his book trilogy but I am also sad because he needs to write faster! And give true fans of his work first dibs.

Le Rating: 4 Eiffel Towers!